Walking Home Before Close

You never think about the bad things that your actions could lead to. Like that first kiss. The way you held me in the street that night like I was yours. You lost a good friend I gained one in you. We were on our way back from a bar. Laughing the whole way, I kept trying to take the wrong street. Truth is now I could do that walk with my eyes closed and still find your door. Going back to summer...

Why do I wear heels! I say as I step out of them.

You laugh, Well at least they make your ass look great. Then reach to pick me up. Your carrying me down the street. I have always hated being carried. Still do, but for whatever reason I didn't with you. I just feel safe in your arms.

Another block passes and you place me back on the ground, you know I'm getting antsy. I walk next to you and hold your arm.You stop me and pull me close to you and kiss me. The most amazing kiss I have ever felt.

Sorry I would find the brightest light on the street to kiss you under. He says to me as he pulls away and just looks at me. At this point I don't know what to think. I've lost my train of thought and the sidewalk feels like its floating. I know it's not just the drinking. 

You should probably just wait until we get to your apartment, don't want to lose that job offer on the table. I say. 

I know, your just too damn sexy! he says to me and we continue to walk. I'm laughing at him now. We have turned onto your street now and don't have far to go.

A cat jumps out at me and I jump towards you. He starts to laugh hard because I was actually scared and walking behind him.

I didn't know what it was! I say and laugh and push him to keep him walking.

...memories...why can't summer feelings last?..comments...

Passing Conversations

I left him behind. I did it in a way I think I will regret for years. If not years, forever. Despite the way I acted, we still have the easy conversation when placed in the position. I still flinch when I first see him and forget which way I am supposed to be walking(I had to circle around and then turn around again once he was out of sight). How can someone simply forget a relationship that developed over the summer? I have almost moved on. There are still days which I call my bad days. I miss him so much those days...

He walks up the stairs and I'm sitting there and notice his posture I know it's him without looking. I'm trying to do some last minute cramming before a big exam. He smiles when I look up, just like he did all summer. I can feel myself stall, I want to keep him in my line of vision. I try.

Nice Mug I say. I realize too late it sounds like I am making fun of him. I see he takes it that way but is not too affected.

What is wrong with it? He replies. Still walking, why won't he just stop?

I say, nothing, i like it. but he is already walking into his office. I know he can't stop. The rumors from summer still linger making it impossible to even say hello or to just talk about the weather. Or even just that coffee mug with the Christmas tree.

I can see the door is left ajar. I think about all the time I spent right next to him. I hate my school in this moment because it seems to be winning all the battles this year.

...happy holidays...I always forget to write...

Goodnight Text

Today

Waking up feeling terrible but slightly better than when I went to sleep. I have piles of work for school. I just want to curl up in bed and forget about this weekend. I want to go back to Wednesday night when everything was going the way it should. I want it to be Thursday where you get up for work and I stayed at your place and made cup cakes. You came home and were excited to see that I actually can bake. You said I was thoughtful for making the cupcakes. I'm glad you liked them more than I did. I left them at your place because I thought I was coming back Saturday. You texted me and asked me if I was having a good night. I could have lied but I just simply said No. You asked me why? I didn't want to say because I miss you already. Instead I say I have a really bad head ache and can't sleep (both are true). You asked if I wanted the cupcakes, and I say no because I don't think you would want to see me crying over you. I told you eat them all there's no point in letting them go to waste. You say they won't because they are still gloriously good. I said I wanted to be there. You said I hear ya. I cried.

Words

I'm falling apart on the inside, and I won't let myself leave this room. Usually the outside holds up pretty well but this worry is written all over my face and anyone could read me like a book.

Classes start Monday, I need to pull myself together.

Wishing you were here, turns me crazy.

Today

So I fell hard for someone, I think he started to fall for me too. We got to be really close this summer. I am so happy for him because he may be getting a job that he was hoping for. The only thing is it would mean that him and I can't be friends anymore. But if he accepts this job then he becomes the recruiter officer for my College. Now that makes him staff and me a student. Which means we can't even hang out like we used to. The idea of eeing him all the time and pretending nothing ever happened drives me crazy just thinking about it. As it stands he is really considering the job, so we can't hang out. I'm a little devastated, I cried and I really didn't think it would bother me that much. But I feel like I'm losing a really close friend, I don't have very many of those anymore... The situation makes sense, but we were close before the job was offered. I wish the rules of staff and student relationship didn't apply. Is it really fair in this case? It's not like he is a teacher, he's going to be going to other highschools to promote the school. It's just dissapointing to lose someone I bond so well with.

We get along in that way that there's that first minute of almost silence where you say hello. Then you don't stop talking until the moment you go home. He started to act like a boyfriend and I was really looking forward to his help during this last school year. He graduated from the same program last year. He is pretty sure he is going to accept the job. We probably will stop talking from this point forward. I have never been so attracted to someone while feeling like he was someone I could really trust. Dissapointing... Oh and very few people know that we are both intrested in each other. It is slightly complicated.

Words

I think I felt a part of me break apart today while I was walking down the road. It's surprising really how little time spent can mean the world to you.

Acting strong and smiling because I am so happy for you, but I'm praying you see through it and call me, because maybe then you would hear the tears on my voice.

I feel stupid to call you but I'm lonely and I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me - maria mena

Comment. Talking to anyone at this point would be a good relief.

confusion,.

Today

I have never felt more confused about someone in my life. I don't know what to do from here, I don't know how he feels. Sometimes he's so crystal clear but other times it's like we haven't shared a word. He says he's going through a hard time. I understand why. But what I don't want to understand is why he can half be part of my life. I don't understand how he does it, just forgets me for days at times. How does he forget when I can't? He is in and out of my life in the span of a few weeks, every time. At the end of the day if I really needed him, I know he would be there.

Words

Every shared word between us cuts deeper than the last but somehow brings us closer in the end. I find myself asking how long I can deal with all the hurt before it overpowers the good we share with each other.

You've slowly snuffed the lights out around me, I didn't notice what you were doing until it was much too late. Now I have to find a new way to pick myself up and move away from here.

What kills me is you know exactly what you are doing to me, and yet you do it every single time. Then turn around and try to place the blame on me.